If Programming Languages were...

This is a collection of  "if programming languages were" jokes that I found across the Internet.

If programming languages were ...

Alcohol :
C would be regular, good old domestic (US) beer. It doesn't exactly taste good, but it's manly and it get's the job done.
Java is the import beer. This is for the techie who wants to be slightly more 'with it', as object-oriented is a buzz word and Java is 100% object-oriented
Perl, the mixed drink. It's electric blue, comes in a huge cup with peices of fruit and an umbrella in it. Looks pretty girly, huh? Well, it's easy going down, packs a mean punch that you wouldn't suspect, and only those comfortable with their masculinity (or programming skill) would dare drink one at a crowded club.
C/C++ : Renaissance
Java : Modernism
JavaScript : Pop art
C : The Beatles - You don't have to like it, but you can't deny its importance.
C++ : Led Zeppelin - Mostly great, but sometimes over the top.
Java : Queen - Not always great and often over the top, but fun.
Ruby : Some J-Pop band - Quite a lot of people love it. Much more people don’t understand it, but admit that manga-lovers will probably rule the world soon - for better or for worse.
C : nuclear submarine - The instructions are probably in a foreign language, but all of the hardware itself is optimized for performance.
PHP : bamboo raft - A series of hacks held together by string. Still keeps afloat though.
Java : cargo ship - It’s very bulky. It’s very enterprise~y. Though it can also carry a lot of weight. Will carry a project, but not very fun to drive. 
Cars :
Assembly : bare engine - You have to build the car yourself and manually supply it with gas while it's running, but if you're careful it can go like a bat out of hell.
C : racing car that goes incredibly fast but breaks down every fifty miles.
Lisp : looks like a car, but with enough tweaking you can turn it into a pretty effective airplane or submarine.
PHP : Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, it's bizarre and hard to handle but everybody still wants to drive it. 
Christmas Carols :
♪♫ Away in a Manger Pointer (C) ♪♫

Away in a pointer, the bits in a row.
A little dereference to see where they go.
I look down upon thee, and what do I see?
A segfault and core dump, right there just for me.

I saw thy init there, a reaping away
My process, from its address space, so sorry to say.
I thought I had saved thee, from void pointers all,
But maybe I missed one, and doomed you to fall.

Be near me, debugger, I ask thee to stay
Close by my terminal, and help me, I pray;
To find all the bugs and the void pointers too,
And if my kernel oopses, help me reboot for you.
Essays :

If C and C++ were essays :) - © Offshot

Languages :
Assembly would of course be Latin. It was perfectly suitable at the time it was created, but practically no one speaks it anymore except for a couple of words and phrases.
C++ would be English. It's hideously complicated and has stolen ideas from a ton of other languages but didn't get any of them right. Even though everyone claims to know it, few people actually know most of the details.
Philosophers :
Socrates : The Hardcore Assembly Programmer
Aristotle : The Influential C Programmer
Plato : The Idealistic C++ Evangelist
Stoics : The Happy Perl Community
Rene Descartes : The True Java Guru
Immanuel Kant: The First Python Programmer
Ludwig Wittgenstein: Natural Born Haskell Programmer
Real Persons :
C is a 70 years old man that knows a lot. Perhaps too proud to reveal what he knows and sometimes too cryptic. He is a very strict person that follows his way of doing things and nothing seems possible to change his mind.
C++ is 45 years old teacher at the Devel City university, following his father’s steps to become as respected as he is. He loves his father so much that tried to continue his work and knowledge. Being a younger man than C though, made him a much more friendly guy, in the means of approach, than his father.
Java is a 35 years old sexy young woman and a mother also. Being so young and mature, Java is one of the most popular women in Devel City. She is very adoptable and can work everywhere.
Religions :
C would be Judaism - it's old and restrictive, but most of the world is familiar with its laws and respects them. The catch is, you can't convert into it - you're either into it from the start, or you will think that it's insanity. Also, when things go wrong, many people are willing to blame the problems of the world on it.
Java would be Fundamentalist Christianity - it's theoretically based on C, but it voids so many of the old laws that it doesn't feel like the original at all. Instead, it adds its own set of rigid rules, which its followers believe to be far superior to the original. Not only are they certain that it's the best language in the world, but they're willing to burn those who disagree at the stake.
PHP would be Cafeteria Christianity - Fights with Java for the web market. It draws a few concepts from C and Java, but only those that it really likes. Maybe it's not as coherent as other languages, but at least it leaves you with much more freedom and ostensibly keeps the core idea of the whole thing. Also, the whole concept of "goto hell" was abandoned.
C++ would be Islam - It takes C and not only keeps all its laws, but adds a very complex new set of laws on top of it. It's so versatile that it can be used to be the foundation of anything, from great atrocities to beautiful works of art. Its followers are convinced that it is the ultimate universal language, and may be angered by those who disagree. Also, if you insult it or its founder, you'll probably be threatened with death by more radical followers.
Visual Basic would be Satanism - Except that you don't REALLY need to sell your soul to be a Satanist.
Subcultures :
Python : People with OCD - "I have to put exactly 1 tab before every   for loop or the world will end!"
Ruby : Hipsters - It is neat, it is good looking, no one would admit that they are a ruby programmer.
PHP : Hot Topic Kids - You have all the trappings of a subculture but none of the real content, but it basically gets the job done.  If you don't mind being like everyone else.
Java : Middle Aged men who drive sports cars and try to date 18 yearold girls, but just can't seem to get the hang of when classes startand end, so they hang outside the highschool all creepy.
Television Shows :
Java : Something on a business channel with a scrolling stock ticker and announcers who wear kakis and blue button-downs.
C/C++ : Some PBS hippie show about growing and canning your own vegetables. Who needs garbage collection when you can compost?
Ruby : Star Trek. Geeky, gadgety, and tough on newcomers, but a fiercely loyal fan base will keep this series in syndication for a while. Beam me up, Matz!
Assembly : A test pattern.
Tools :

(C) 9GAG

Women :
Assembly : female track star who holds all the world speed records.
C : lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative.
Pascal : grammar school teacher, and ALGOL 60's younger sister.
LISP : an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH.

"There are only two kinds of programming languages: those people always bitch about and those nobody uses." - Bjarne Stroustrup


  1. yg ini nggri paling lucu menurutku :P